(post written on August 7, 2007, in business class! on the way from Tokyo to LA)When did the realization that I'm leaving Japan finally come? Ironically, it wasn't from the boxes packed and ready to be packed scattered about the room; nor was it the empty closet sadly deprived of the wardrobe that had just been hanging; not even was it the sayonara party (see photo of post-party karaoke) that was held on a perfectly moonlit night the Saturday before on L's rooftop terrace.
After all, this is the 4th time I am leaving Japan. Boxes have been packed before, but I nevertheless managed to remain completely loyal to my Japanese hair stylist throughout our 3-year relationship, even despite times of overseas long distance. In other words, I have always come back -- or knew that I could come back -- and it never took me long to do so.
This time, I realized that I was leaving Japan when I went to cancel my keitai -- to turn off my connection to all my beloved friends in Tokyo. But still, I didn't feel any tears coming until I took a last look at the apartment and wheeled my overstuffed luggage out the door. I didn't actually shed tears until the limousine bus pulled up and I said good-bye to S, to the familiar neighborhood streets of Akasaka-mitsuke, and looked out the window at the myriads of Japanese salarymen dressed in their suits, crossing the street and going about their daily business. How could they know that I was staring at them through the glass of the bus with envy, because they were staying and I was not?
By no means am I trying to sound negative about the new life that awaits me across the Pacific. I know that I'll get used to it just like I got used to Tokyo -- of course, it's where I grew up! But what is clear is that, in the past year more than ever before, Japan was a home to me. At my sayonara party, I saw that I had built a life, close relationships with friends, and value for a place that felt safe, comfortable, and reliable. Isn't that what a home is?
Tokyo will always be a home to me. Despite the 3 years ahead of me that are planned out in the books, I know that even if it's just for a visit, there is no way I can stay away for long. I will love these memories too much.
