Well, Onigiriman, the opportunity for you to get here while I’m here, I must say, is unfortunately slim, at least for the near future. I’ve been making some references here and there about a shorter time in Japan than I expected, and now that things are more official, I can clarify.
My short-lived Tokyo stay is coming to a close. I have three more months to eat as much sushi as possible, yell “sumimasen” for some service, and play harder than I’ve ever played before. The next destination will be undoubtedly more demure. Think Harry Potter. Think high tea and pinky rings. Cambridge, England best prepare itself for my arrival.
I’ve been awarded a full scholarship (the GWU Bender, for those who would know) to do my M.Phil degree in East Asian Studies at Cambridge. It is a one-year program, 2/3 taught and 1/3 research, with my proposed topic being on how China and South Korea can be expected to react to Japan’s increasingly more assertive foreign policy.
My Japanese probably isn’t quite at the level it should be to undertake this level of research, meaning I will be working extremely hard. Surprisingly, this doesn’t bother me. I’m ready for a new challenge. But the thought of being a full-time student again-- having no time, no money, and much more stress leaves me feeling more than a little unprepared.
But, it’s one of those things that if I don’t do now, will I ever? Knowing myself as well as I do, I’m sure I would eventually regret not going. After all, as people keep telling me, Japan will always be here (barring any natural disasters of catastrophic proportions).
Of course, in addition to all of these disruptive life changes, the one at the forefront of my mind is what kind of masochistic drive in me will force me to leave S? And how can I possibly think that the opportunity cost of leaving him will somehow be offset by a Masters degree from Cambridge? Why does “self-improvement” always seem to trump love? And why do I always seem to feel that the one thing I can procrastinate is love?
Just the thought of leaving S makes me feel utterly nauseous, yet I made the decision as if there was no other choice. Am I taking for granted that he’ll wait for me? Am I avoiding the thought that maybe, he won’t? Still, rather than stay safe and happy here with him, I have decided to put the one thing I really want up for gamble. It doesn’t make any sense to me, yet I’m doing it. I am consciously deciding to leave someone I have fallen irrevocably in love with.
Can anyone explain human behavior to me? Apparently it’s one more degree I don’t have.
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Join a small town American girl in her roaring 20s going back to her Asian roots. Live vicariously through her greatest joys and embarrassments in a place far far away from anything resembling monotony...
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2 comments:
Explain human behavior? You might as well ask me to explain why Bush won. It is inexplicable. Anyway, whatever decision you make, it is yours and yours alone. I'm sure you have thought it through--I still tell everyone that you are perhaps the most organized, most meticulous student i have ever had--and I'm sure you are making the choice that you feel is bvest for you. The bottom line is to keep moving forwar. Just don't forget about me when you become rich and famous, okay? And congrats on Cambridge. I was really hoping you'd get in and it seems that everything might be falling into place now. This is definitely better the the CIR position at JET, don't you think? Especially since your getting a scholarship--how much of a free ride is it? Also, while you may be poor and the prospects of being a full-time student may seem daunting, I think you'll find that compared to full-time work, studying is a piece of cake. I think you'll have a blast.
Whoo Cambridge. Sorry I've been absent. I've been busy and all over the place.
A word on Cambridge. This place is weird, but in a good way. It is a little bubble with ridiculously smart people, most of whom don't mind telling you so. But at the same time, I've never met a group of people so accepting (could just be my college). You'll live the college life that GW never had .... throw away the responsibility of living in a big city, this is all fun and games ... and study. The work here is harder than most places, but so is the play. Not crazy night life per se, but everything else you can think of. Activities galore. Harry Potter isn't far off when you are thinking of what it will be like.
I'm saying goodbye to everyone now. I just wrote in my blog about saying goodbye to friend from Wales, a housemate from Germany, and my little half-pint French woman. So the internationalism won't end.
I feel you on the boy front. I'm making the decision right now between full time job and a "gap" year with the boyfriend.
I have some pics that I'll send you a link to when I figure how to work it.
Love love.
Liz
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