Coming to terms...

After a night of wallowing in self pity, I am feeling much better today, thanks to all the wise advice and support of all of you. I am so lucky to have such great friends to kick my ass up off the floor when it shows no sign of getting up itself! But I do bounce back quickly. I usually just need to pour my emotions out and wallow for a while and then I come to my senses.

I did a lot of thinking last night and concluded that he is truly the loser. I honestly think that what he had shown Friday night were probably his true feelings, uninhibited by a bit of alcohol and no time to prep himself with the "emotions shield." It's probably how he would actually feel around me if he was to let himself go and be honest with himself and his emotions. But then because he is stubborn and childish and proud, he talks himself out of that, which is fine really, and probably for the best (for me) anyway. He is the one not being honest with himself, and maybe it will come back to bite him in the ass in the end.

I knew deep down that he isn't the one for me, but I think just because I haven't found anyone else or even really been very interested in anyone else, I just dreamt up this fantasy of what I wanted him to be-- minus all the bad points (and there are many). So by seeing him again, and now thinking about just how he is (criticizing my neighborhood, how Japanese people live, making me meet him in Shibuya b/c he couldn't make his way 2 stops further, taking the lovely dinner for granted, etc.), I am reminded again of why I was unhappy with him in the first place. We have some strong physical chemistry, but emotionally we are not on the same level at all. He's really a 30 yr old child who needs a mother, not a girlfriend.

So..... in closing, however, I know you all might disagree, but I think I should have lunch with him before he goes, just because I don't want things to end on his terms. I don't want him to remember me as this sobbing girl who had her heart broken by him because he is so great and wonderful. I want to explain to him how I really feel-- that I know we aren't right for each other, that we don't match emotionally, but that I was looking for someone, and some fantastical representation of him somehow filled that void while my search has been unsuccessful. What do you think? I will of course have to reword that so he can understand. :)
It feels good to be moving on....