Heartbroken...

It's been a while since I've felt it, and jeez, I didn't need a reminder.

Frenchy arrived Friday night, and I met him and his 2 friends in Roppongi. Instantly, it was as if we had never been apart. Sparks were flying everywhere-- fireworks, you name it. We fell straight back into coupledom for the rest of the night, and in addition to all of the cuddling and kissing that probably disgusted everyone around, phrases such as, "Maybe I never should have left." "I didn't know you were coming until it was too late," etc., escaped from his lips. Yes, alcohol was involved, but I don't think alcohol can totally change the look in someone's eyes-- ok, maybe to a glazed over stupor, but not to an "I'm in love with you" look. And that was the look I was getting. I was ecstatic to say the least. I don't know what I wanted, because I knew he'd only be here for a week, but at that moment, THAT was what I wanted. He went back with his friends, but promised he'd see me Sunday night (Saturday he had a wedding), for the whole night. Things looked crystal clear.

Saturday he called, said he would let me know if they were going out after the wedding, and would call me Sunday when he woke up. Sunday morning came and went. Sunday afternoon came and went. Finally at 6pm he called, and I said I was making dinner for him at my place. Making dinner is an understatement. I was preparing a freaking all-out gourmet feast that I had put numerous trips to the grocery store, trial cooking sessions, and a lot of money into.
I had to meet him at Shibuya station because he claimed he would never find the elusive Gakugei-daigaku station. After 3 years of living in Tokyo he couldn't make his way 2 stops from Shibuya? I let out a big sigh, but conceded. He then proceeded to walk through my neighborhood and proclaimed it "too Japanese," and noted, "ugh, how can people live in THOSE houses? They're so ugly." "Japanese friend X lives in an area like this, except even more posh." Guys, my area is a quaint, very nice, reasonable residential area. Yes, it's Japanese. WE ARE IN JAPAN! I ignored him. He announced he wasn't hungry. He ate anyway, and said it was good. Good!? It was a culinary masterpiece! But unfortunately for me a full stomach doesn't ease a heartbreak.

He said Friday was a mistake. He was drunk. He is leaving and doesn't want to hurt me. He respects and likes me a lot, but he's looking for something new, something serious, and something NOT ME. He thought he made himself clear (yes, very clear by the e-mails and Friday night). He thinks I'm cute and attractive, but doesn't feel that I'm more than a good friend. If he did, he would have asked me to come back sooner. He thought maybe after I left last summer he'd miss me, but he didn't. He's really sorry. He didn't know I still felt so strongly. And he needed a cab back. He said these things in a kinder way, by the way, as I bawled my eyes out.

And to make me feel even better, he offhandedly mentioned that he at least gave things a try with me, whereas other guys would have just tried to get me in bed and been done with it. "But don't worry, Joce, this is because you have great T&A!"-- and this is supposed to make me feel BETTER??

What about my brain? my personality? thoughtfulness? fun-loving spirit? Hello decent men of the world, where are you!? Please tell me there is someone out there who just doesn't want to take a girl to bed and use her for her T&A. I know it wasn't a purposefully hurtful comment, but it made me feel cheap, and like women have nothing to offer but a body for some too-horny guy to enjoy. But he reminded me that if he didn't "respect" me, he would just take advantage of me. But isn't that what he just did Friday night? Oh right, but he's sorry for that. It was a mistake. I was a mistake.

Can someone who isn't so hurt and involved please explain to me how a person can change THAT drastically in a course of 36 hours? Mash thinks that he did some thinking between Saturday and Sunday and got scared about his feelings and what happened and what COULD happen. Friday night was all heart, but Sunday was all head? I try to make too many excuses for him. But one thing is for certain.... I got what I do need most-- CLOSURE. The Frenchy saga has come to an end, folks, and it's finally time that I can move on. I have seen him in the flesh, face-to-face, and heard it first hand. He doesn't want to be with me. Period. Full stop.
Rejected, dejected, heartbroken, feeling worthless. But with the good sense knowledge that it was for the best. I needed this to happen. It did. Now I just need the kick in the ass to get me going again.